There are eight primary marriage busters that plague most marriage relationships. Over the next two weeks I will be posting articles to this blog on saving your marriage from these destructive habits I call the negative cycles of divorce. These are the cycles that over time break down and prohibit growth in a marriage relationship and eventually lead to permanent separation This post begins this series with a guest article by Dr. Neill Neill. He comes with a proven history of saving marriages and resolving spousal issues. This first marriage buster is negative and hurtful criticism. Dr. Neill’s article “Make Your Marriage Criticism Free” holds up the marriage mirror and asks of us to take a good look at the marriage busting habit that can lead to separation and eventual divorce. Do you find yourself engaged in this negative cycle and what can you do to stop it. Dr. Neill can give us some insight and provides some positive solutions.
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Could you believe that it is possible to have a marriage relationship unpolluted by criticism? If that is possible, you might then ask, “Could a relationship without criticism be healthy?” Could you express your emotions and strongly disagree about something and yet still not criticize? The answer to all of these questions is yes (And, contrary to what an uncle once told me, one of them would not have to be dead).
The Upward Spiral of Communion
When you first meet someone, you talk, you get to know each other, you find you like each other, and you both want to talk more. Communication, knowledge and affection lead to a deep connection between you. I call this process “the upward spiral of communion.” You are connecting at the heart, mind and spirit level. There can be no criticism.
If he or she were to criticize you early in your relationship, it would break the connection and you would part. If you were to feel critical, you would just leave with a silent “I don’t need this.” Consider that I’m talking about adult relationships, not the adolescent “I-can-change-him-after-we’re-married” version, or the “but-he-says-he’ll-change” version of relationships.
You Don’t Own Your Marriage Partner
Criticizing your marriage partner implies right of ownership and a right to control. You might believe you are responsible for your partner’s behavior, and they might even buy into it. But, you’re not. In fact I have met people who actually believe it’s their right to sit in judgment of everyone, including their spouse. That is not a healthy attitude for life, let alone a marriage.
Criticism, sitting in judgment over your spouse, can kick start you down the slippery slope towards a codependent, entangled marriage. It sneaks up on you. The entanglement of codependency leads to embarrassment, shame, family secrets, and a host of other dysfunctional behavior that makes true intimacy impossible.
Criticism as a Pollutant within a Marriage
True intimacy has no agenda, but for both of you it is full acceptance and connection at mental, emotional, spiritual and physical levels. Criticism kills intimacy.
Unfortunately, the frustration of lack of intimacy in a relationship leads to more criticism and to alienation.
Handling Disagreements without Criticism
Self care comes first. Both of you have gained a good understanding of and caring for your own needs as individual people. You have each developed a strong sense of self.
From this base you are each comfortable with expressing your needs, desires, wants, dreams and emotions with each other. You each are genuinely interested hearing your partner’s words about anything, because that is how you stay connected.
When two people are able to maintain this level of communion, there is little place for criticism.
When your spouse’s behavior upsets you, you express your upset. But at the same time you look inward to find the real cause of your frustration. After all, it is your problem, not your partner’s. You are the one that’s upset.
On the other hand your spouse was just expressing feelings about something, not intending to upset you; so seeing your upset, he or she may make changes if appropriate.
It is only unsolicited feedback, “criticism,” that causes disconnection, alienation and the destruction of intimacy. With that in mind, you can both ask for feedback on anything without fear of being judged.
If you are already in a relationship with criticism, make changes. Do whatever it takes to reverse that life-sucking slide towards alienation.
Just think of criticism as pollution in your marriage and make up your minds to go green.
Dr. Neill Neill, psychologist, author and columnist, maintains an active practice and works with addicted men in a rehab center. He writes practical self-help articles to move his reader towards a happier and more fulfilling life. Receive his free ebook Personal Change Manifesto by subscribing to his monthly letter, Practical Psychology for Capable People. http://www.neillneill.com.
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I also would like to add that some traditional church upbringings encourage the husband to be the ever vigilant agent of criticism in a marriage. They have been instructed by their church traditions to rule over their wife making her submissive of his verbal abuse. Sadly, the husband’s need to be accepted by his church peers is more important than his need to grow close and intimate with his wife. The need to be seen as strong disciplinarian is often praised.
I want to go on record by saying this kind of behavior is pure nonsense. Even if you don’t go through a divorce because of it, your marriage will become nothing more than a hollow empty passionless shell. End this behavior now and begin growing together as a couple by ditching the criticism. Click here ==> Amy Waterman’s six week marriage course can provide you with some positive and constructive marriage habits you can develop that will lead to true intimacy. Break this negative cycle of divorce and begin the joy-filled discovery of what your marriage can become. Do it now while there is still time. -wf
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